Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
