; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
