Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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