yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
