I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
