Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
