oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
