dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
