hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
