Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
It was confusing and full of hummus
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
