Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My ass is underappreciated
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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