Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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