Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i think i have two assholes
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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