I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
