So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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