You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
