I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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