for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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