Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize