nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
