Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
