Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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