You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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