The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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