she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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