it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
