If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
this boner is exhausting
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
