So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
