I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
