maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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