Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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