dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
