Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
