Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
