I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
