I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
