How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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