a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
