Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
