You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
