i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
