Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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