OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
