Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
