I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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