I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
