Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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