i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
