you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
