And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
