the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
