one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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